I should be asleep
Every now and then I will feel like things are back to “normal” like before my Mom started seeing Dave, and it seems like some kind of dream that never happened, but then out of nowhere reality just hits me and it feels like I am getting struck by lightning. All the pain just rushes back in like a fresh wound and my throat gets all tight. I don’t want to forget, but I don’t really want to remember either because it hurts…like almost physically hurts my chest. I feel like it is weird that I am as pained by it as I am…’cuz it was my moms fiance and I feel like I really didn’t get to know him that well…so I shouldn’t be as…sad, I guess. I really want to get a photo of one of his pin striping works and get it tattooed on my arm as a half-sleeve, but I kinda feel like it isn’t right of me to do it. I wonder if it would have been different if he would have been “officially” my step dad. And then I am reminded how highly he thought of me and my art and I am reassured and still want to get that tattoo. It’s gonna be big, and it will remind me every day that somebody believed in me. Not that anyone didn’t/doesn’t, but he wanted to see me go somewhere. I always feel down when I don’t get any or much attention for my art, or when people don’t think my characters and stories are as cool as I do (who doesn’t feel that way sometimes?) but it makes me happy to think that he believed in me. Or maybe if there is an after life, he still does. I miss him.
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